Disclaimer: Don't judge me, really.
Just ten to fifteen minutes ago, I raged, I exploded, I screamed, I cried - I broke down.
I honestly think I should be ashamed of all these but then again, what's there to be ashamed of? I am aware of what I'm going through, I'm aware. In fact, I'm secretly suspecting that I'm not sane, that I have a mental disorder that needs a treatment.
If you think I'm an AA then stop reading because honestly, what's there to be proud of when obviously I'm admitting that something's wrong with me? What else is there for me to seek for when I'm only just typing out my feelings, hoping to feel better and serve this post as a reminder to the future me?
Here's what happened:
My mummy, little cousin and I were preparing to go out to visit my late grandmother's good friend that we all treat her as one of our family members. From the very start before I bathed, to the very end when I was packing my bag, my mum has been nagging and stressing me to speed up. I was thinking to myself, you were the one who wanted to do your own things(other than preparing) when I was technically done preparing, but when you're done, I asked for five minutes to check my stuffs, you yelled and kept stressing about being on time yada yada. (and you always blamed the whole family for delaying/being late, but hey, you have a part to play.) I was so fuming mad. In fact, just within that few hours, my cousins mentioned in the chat that they won't be going to visit this auntie/won't be gathering with us tonight. I can't help but to drown myself in disappointment and a little bit of bitter awareness - that we are all growing up, we will drift apart someday, that they don't prioritise family over any other things on such occasions(CNY) when I think families should be placed first before anything else. Plus, that talkative(but really cute) cousin that could not seem to give me a solitary break with her high-pitched blabbering and questions when I need to sort out some work...... I just can't even
In summary, the sum of all the disappointment, bitterness, nagging of a great "big" fucking deal and the freakin' voice with what I can assume of 9999999999999999Hz, all at the same time?
I C A N T F U C K I N G T A K E I T A N Y M O R E
It drove me nuts, I was going bonkers, I was crazy, mad, furious, insane, angry, stressed, fucking stressed, very fucking stressed, very extremely fucking stressed, very absolutely extremely fucking stressed, very definitely absolutely extremely fucking stressed that I raged, I screamed and I cried.
I told my mummy off, I screamed at her, I told her I don't want to go out anymore. I know she wanted me to go, because she respects the auntie and wants us to respect her(by paying a visit) as an elder in the family as well, but hey, I really could not hold in any longer, I really could not stand it anymore.
Sometimes, mummy, I just want you to understand that you've gone overboard. I've been keeping all of my anger and tried not talking back from the first day of CNY till now. I honestly find you going beyond the limit of the family. Daddy, sister and brother had shot back but I have not because I tried understanding for the past few weeks but, I. have. my. own. limits. dear. mum.
You may picture me like a mad woman you watched from TV shows or movies when someone starts exploding into a fucking insane person. Yep, I'm almost half of that. I wanted to throw something so bad. I got so stressed and furious that wanted to destroy everything around me so bad that for a second, I thought I might be the Hulk II.
After all that Hulk-like loud screams and shit, I broke down into a whimpering ghost, sobbing and crying to my heart's content. Then when I can say I'm a little more mentally sane, I started wondering if I was really mentally stable, that if I really needed to consult a psychologist or a counselor, that if there was really something wrong with me. Then I started thinking about the causes that led to all these:
(HERE'S A REMINDER TO MYSELF TO KICK AWAY THESE FOUR MAJOR CAUSES)
1) Bottling up things to myself too much
2) Expecting too much
3) The exams are approaching but I'm not even half productive at all
4) Being too much of a perfectionist
Dear me, please take note of and be reminded to kick away these little monsters if they ever start creeping into your mind and ruin your mental stability. Okay? Okay.
This has got to be one of the adventures I've gone to and I'll make sure to take this as a lesson to lead me to my destination of better at managing stress. <3
I hope everyone have had a great Lunar New Year and Valentine's Day and I hope 2014 have been really awesome for everyone thus far. If not, here's to better remaining days of 2014! /Cheers/
Stay gold, stay healthy and be happy!
Stay strong ! Talk to ppl don't bottle things !
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