I'M UPSET, I NEED SOMEONE.

Hey there,

I'd like to thank you if you're reading this blog post because this space is so dead...but whatever, I need a space. A space to rant, to confide in, to express myself.

(I actually have quite a number of drafts saved, haha, just finding the right time to publish them.)

Life's been really hectic as the school's semester is coming to an end, and that means I'll have countless projects and presentation to do. Not forgetting the exams which are one week or two away from now.

So yeah, I have to, have to, have to, need to start mugging. Just to pull up some of my grades.

School aside, the reason why I'm typing in this space today was because, yes, I'm upset.Besides the stomach upset I'm having right now, I'm also emotionally upset

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Upset because I can't cope with the challenges that God had planted into my life for the past few weeks.Upset because I am feeling all stressed up and vexed and lost.Upset because I've been reflecting.Upset because of the situation I'm in right now.Upset because I'm upset. 

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Like I mentioned earlier about studies... yada yada.

It's best not to talk so much about the rest...-

I'm lost, because I don't know what to do, what am I doing, what should I do, what's right, what's wrong.

Am I doing the right thing? Definitely not.Am I living in the right place? Am I leading the right life? What should I do? Why am I in this position? What have I done?

I feel like I'm being misunderstood so damn wrongly. I feel like I don't matter. I feel so lost. I feel so unworthy. I feel so broken. I feel so... sad. I feel neglected. I feel like I'm being taken granted for. I feel like I'm a substitute. -

And I have no one to really really talk to. I'm T H I S f*cking s-e-r-i-o-u-s.

Not even my best friends.Not even my boyfriend.Not even my family.Not even my toys.All I ever did was cry, and bottle things up, and cry, and say I'm fine, and cry, and bottle things up.

I didn't realise that I've been bottling up too much to myself, until one day, friend said "I think you've been keeping it all to yourself for too long." and I have no idea what happened, I just broke down and cried. It was embarrassing.

The other time was, I had to meet my advisors regarding my attendance in class, and then suddenly, one of the advisor said: "I think you need to share your problems with your friends or maybe your family. I can see that you're actually bottling all your problems to yourself." Again, I started crying. I really had zero idea why did I cry.

And that day was when I realised, I actually bottled too much to myself.

My break downs were not usual or normal as well, I know.

My parents are worried about me, I know.But, what can I do? What should I do?  I. Don't. Know.

However, I think, that maybe, all these narrowed down to me making the wrong choices - this, I know.

The thing I really like about blogging my thoughts in this space was because everytime I blog, I feel. I feel happy when I blog about happy things - I laugh & smile to myself as I type on. I felt sad when I blogged about sad things - I cry it out as I go on type on.

So probably this is the best place for me to express myself (as of now), until I can really smash down the walls around me to speak to someone about my problems.

I mean, they are there, but I'm not willing or able(applying some 'econs' here LOL) to speak to them about my problems because I usually am the listener.The problem lies in me, I guess.

I'm not good with goodbyes, so, till then!